Friday, December 31, 2010


Happy New Year, my fellow Vidiots...

2010 was a pretty ridiculous/horrible/fantastic year. I started Lost Trailer Park, shot another feature ("Witch's Brew"), lost my middle-class income job with the government, moved home, and played a ton of film festivals for my last feature, "President's Day".

My new years resolution? None of your fucking business!

Because if I break it... you might have to call in a NEW YEARS EXECUTION...

To my knowledge, there is "New Years Evil" and "Bloody New Year" when it comes to New Years horror flicks. I've seen 20 minutes of the former... and man, was it borrrrrrrrring. So, not much influencer here... perhaps, there is some "Bloody Pit of Horror" when it comes to our crazed executioner... but besides the traditional 80s slasher POV shots and some 70s style wide angle push-ins... "New Years Executions" is it's own campy/goofy beast.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do for the January LTP and I felt like a slasher for "Martin Luther King Jr. Day" could only end horribly... so when Jill (my often cowriter/coproducer Jimmy George's wife) suggested a maniac who murders those who break their resolutions... I knew we struck gold (or atleast imitiation plastic spraypainted gold)

So, I said if I came up with a good title... I'd do it. Well, I found a decent rhyme scheme and boom... it was born...

I assembled a goofy gaggle of actors and shot it in one day. Most were featured in "Witch's Brew". Jessy Danner, Brian St. August, Lucas Koch (my fx guy's son) all bite the dust in "Witch's Brew" and get mangled here too!

Shawn Jones (eat healthy guy) is one of the filmmakers behind "The Chainsaw Sally Show". Mark Leake (the smoker) was the other cinematic half of the "Isle of the Damned" team, and finally Nikc Miller (workout guy) has made a ton of great shorts.

Both Shawn and Brian St. August had to fill in as the executioner since we didn't have enough actors. Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a New Years party as lame or as sparsely attended.

The first blips of footage (the quick shots of gore) are from previous Lost Trailer Parks. I didn't have enough gore shots for the preamble... so in true Roger Corman fashion, I borrowed from myself. Clips are from "Bite the Dust" and "Liburied".

Also, Shearer's fourth take of voice-over cuts was just poop jokes. Will anybody besides me ever hear them? Only time will tell.

I love you, Shearer.

Executioner... Shawn Jones & Brian St. August
Final Girl... Jessy Danner
Eat Better Guy... Shawn Jones
Workout Guy... Nikc Miller
Smoker... Mark Leake
Champaigne Kid... Lucas Koch

Written & Directed by Chris LaMartina
Special FX by Jason Koch and Kaleigh Brown
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Happy Holidays... (take that, religious right!)

Here is possibly the most ambitious... and yet, somehow... shittiest fx-wise installment of LTP. Watch it to enhance your depressing X-Mas season... because if greened screened santa claus and bad shark puppets can't get you in the mood for Egg Nog abuse... then, I don't know what can.

So here it is... the ridiculous...


I think my influences are obvious... at least I hope they are. Everyone loves a good "mockbuster"... and this is my goofy wink to some of the over-the-type dreck that SyFy has been rocking lately... with a dash of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" thrown in for good measure! A killer Santa would have been too easy for the December LTP... so, here we have him as a good guy... and kicking some giant monster ass!

I wanted a Santa suit. Why? Because I'm weirdo... so I bought one... hellbent on coming up w/ a faux trailer idea. Then, we used it to dress me up as Santa for a Mondo Balitmore screening. I still might wear it for my niece and nephew... maybe not... it reeks of Natty Boh.

So, we got the costume. Ryan Thomas demanded to play Santa. I had to oblige him. Somehow, Ryan always ends up in the best costumes in my flicks. We got George Stover to Rod Steiger it up as the army commander. Patrick Storck mixes up Clint Howard and the gay dude from "Airplane" very well.

All of the major sequences were green-screened... to make it look extra-ridiculous. Plus tons of snow/flurries to hide some very sloppy chroma keying on my part.

The worst factor HAS to be the Megasharkosaurus itself. It was supposed to be completely CGI, but my friend who agreed to do it dropped the ball. So at 8pm last night, I drove to Michaels and a dollarstore called DEAL$... and I bought paint, some little dinosaurs, and rubber shark toys. Some dabs of hot glue sealed the deal and the shark shots were composited by midnight.

They're not great... but that's not what this is about... ;p

Also, no scratches/dust on this one. Decided (after some debate) that this is a modern spoof and deserves a different approach.

Two other notable tidbits! 1. When Andrew sent the VO, the final track was a hilarious deadpan deliver from a guy with a very thick foreign accent... Andrew informed me that he bought a car from this guy and the gentleman wanted to do one. It is brilliant/terrifying. 2. Some of the best lines were adlibs by Patrick Storck and Ryan Thomas. Just wanted to give credit where credit is due! "I've got your sack of goodies right here!"

Santa... Ryan Thomas
Commander... George Stover
Operator... Patrick Stork
Terrorized Citizens... Nikc Miller, Fred Teasley, Daniel Tayag, Kim Hoang, Mike LaMartina

Written, directed, and Edited by Chris LaMartina
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Monday, November 22, 2010


Well, hello there... are you up to your neck in cooking and cleaning for Thursday's annual feast? Well, take a break and check out the November 2010 installment of Lost Trailer Park: Never Coming Attractions...


Okay. There really aren't that many grindhouse era Thanksgiving movies. The only one that comes to my mind is "Home Sweet Home" which features Jake (as in "Body by Jake") Seinfeld as a crazy roid-rage killer. I've watched the first five minutes of that flick atleast 30 times... and I've never ONCE finished the feature... but those first five minutes... hilarious.

So, if I had to gauge my influences. There were probably a few.. obviously, Eli Roth's faux "Thanksgiving" trailer. I mean, c'mon... it's near perfection. The recent killer turkey flick, "Thankskilling" should get a shout-out too (I met one of the actors in Ohio recently when "President's Day", my last feature, played a festival out there).

And finally, I would be remissed if I didn't give "Vault of Horror", the old Amicus anthology a nod. Vampires around a dinner table sipping on blood and eating raw meat? I tip my hat to you, "Midnight Mess".

I was seriously considering giving-up doing this things. We barely get views and it takes me away from the main focus right now (which is "Witch's Brew")... but after a flurry of people talking to me about how much they enjoyed them. I agreed to continue.

So, on the way back from Massachusetts, Jimmy George (my cinematic better-half - cowriter/coproducer on features) and I were brainstorming Thanksgiving spoofs. My first thought was a "Gremlins"/"Ghoulies" ripoff called "Gobble Gobble Goblins"... but that would have been a lot of work in no time. We had this conversation last week.

So, Jimmy suggested "Fangsgiving" and I was off. I scheduled a shoot with some of favorite regulars. George Stover has been in every major project of produced since 2008. Leanna Chamish appeared in "Grave Mistakes". Helenmary Ball (and her husband, Julian) and Jessy Danner appear in my latest "Witch's Brew". John Bennett and Patrick Storck are involved with Mondo Baltimore... a bad movie night we host at the WIndup Space in Baltimore city. And finally, Jason Koch and Kaleigh Brown came out to do some quick fx... Jason jokingly asked if they could use a pseudonym because it was so down-and-dirty fast. Yeah, I'm an asshole.

It felt like Thanksgiving. Collecting some of my favorite people and having some gory fun. We shot the whole thing in one night and it was edited in an afternoon. Andrew Shearer once again provided the fantastic voiceover. I forgot to put him in the credits at the end. So, he gets a special shout-out right here too. What up!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and I really hope you have a fantastic Thanksgiving.

Vampire Hunter... George Stover
Vampire #1... John Bennett
Vampire # 2... Helenmary Ball
Holy Water Vamp... Jessy Danner
Stake Vamp... Leanna Chamish
Vampire #3... Julian Ball
Muttenchops Vampire... Patrick Storck
Neckbrace Victim... Les Bradley

Written, directed, and edited by Chris LaMartina
Special FX by Jason Koch and Kaleigh Brown
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Halloween. This is not a faux trailer...

Greetings, folks...

It's been a busy month. I've been syncing up audio for "Witch's Brew". I cut a teaser trailer and I produced a quick animation for my favorite holiday... Halloween.

So, sorry, gang... no faux trailer this month, but I think the main attraction here, "Trick or Tweet" is just as entertaining.

Check it out. Don't worry I'll be back to producing goofy grindhouse spots in no time. I just need to catch up with life for a minute.

And if you haven't gotten a chance to see it... this is the teaser trailer for my new flick, "Witch's Brew".

On that note... have a safe and happy Halloween.

- Chris

Saturday, September 25, 2010


On set, they call me the "PUN-isher"... its a badge I wear proud and with that in mind, get ready for as many book/library puns as I could come up with for...



To be completely honest, I wasn't inspired by too many other trailers for this one. I didn't watch anything before I shot it... and I can't really think of any "library" horror flicks... which I find pretty shocking, actually. I do, however, really like the weird distortion of the image that occur when I shot with HVX fully zoomed out at close range... it looks like the opening scene from that long forgotten 80s trash-slasher flick, "Matthew".

I guess the closest influence would be stuff like "Ice Cream Man" with Clint Howard or "The Dentist"... all those "great" mid-90s quasi-slashers. So... okay, they're not exactly from the grindhouse era... but I can't break my cycle of mucking up the trailers with scratches, dust, and gate weave. So, get over it...


We didn't have permission to shoot in the library... duh. It was that of my alma matter, Towson University... where I also shot part of my first flick, "Dead Teenagers" and a scene for my second, "Book of Lore".

We snuck in with a cast/crew of six and proceeded to take over the fifth floor... until some eager students and a few tours of prospective freshmen showed up. We shot the gore scenes pretty quick. As you can tell, Lauren's scream is dubbed in (poorly)... because despite being otherwise completely irresponsible... I do value the "quiet" rules of the library.

Kyle (tongue-cell phone dude) and Wade (spine guy) have small roles in "Witch's Brew" and Lauren (our "final girl) is one of the lead witches in "Witch's Brew". Leanna, our mad librarian, is a staple of the East Coast microbudget scene and she kicks ass! She was in my film, "Grave Mistakes" and I love seeing her act crazy!

Leanna Chamish... Mad Librarian
Lauren Lakis... Final Girl
Kyle Watson... Cell Phone Guy
Wade Brown... Spine Breaker

Written, directed, and edited by Chris LaMartina
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Friday, August 20, 2010

BITE THE DUST - Double Feature

Better late than never, right?

My latest feature, "Witch's Brew" has been kicking my ass, but I finally got a minute to produce a quick Lost Trailer Park. It's nothing too flashy, but here's a little vampire spot I call...



Sleazy vampires, man... film stock turned red will make any bloodstains look stupid and similarly, the title badie looks more like a deranged magician rather than a member of the undead.

One of my favorite trailers of all time is "Frankenstein's Bloody Trailer". "Bite the Dust" is definitely inspired by this. It's hammy, cheap (despite being shot in SUPER 70MM... oy vey) and fun ... and that's what I tried to do with this one.

I tried to imagine "Bite The Dust" as a foreign production so that's why I chose to dub it (besides the fact that my original audio was shitty, too). Just pretend its unfinished footage from a Naschy relative's long lost backyard epic.


This was shot in a day in the basement of my apartment building. We used as the coven house in "Witch's Brew" and since we had it for a few more days, I decided to pull a Roger Corman and use it again for a smaller project.

Everyone in the trailer worked on "Witch's Brew" in some capacity. John Boushell, the track jacket-wearing dope, was my sound guy and Clint Kelly, the sweeper, did some PA work and was a witch extra. Chris Rooney, the vampire, did some PA work for us as well.

I came up with the idea while we were cleaning the basement for the "Witch's Brew" shoot. When we finally got a minute in between days, we made a quick trip to the Dollar Tree, and BOOM! we were into production.

Sweeper... Clint Kelly
Track-Jacket Dope... John Boushell
Vampire... Chris Rooney

Written, directed, and edited by Chris LaMartina
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Thursday, July 1, 2010


We're deep into pre-production for "Witch's Brew", my latest horror feature... but I took some time out to produce another installment of Lost Trailer Park. I'm trying not to miss a month (we'll see how that goes once we start shooting on July 15th).

Anyway... if the summer heat/humidity is getting to ya... just think... atleast there aren't giant mutated bumble bees around... you know... like this month's installment...


There have been many killer bee flicks... The Killer Bees, the Swarm, and my personal favorite... The Bees (with a ridiculous cameo from former US President Gerald Ford).

I was a projectionist/manager at a small afro-centric theatre in Baltimore for a bit, and we showed a 16mm print of "The Bees" one summer. If you've ever seen the film, you know how ridiculous it is... the best is offensive/homophobic ending where the military/scientists try to turn the bees gay so they can't reproduce. Yikes...

So, I checked out some quick trailers for that plus some other classic bug joints like "Kingdom of the Spiders" and "Giant Spider Invasion"... but nothing was really a direct rip. The title, Zombees" pretty much lends itself to a silliness that may just be "too campy".


Years back, in my college days... I thought up "Zombees". It was a funny title, but not much else. Late last year, my friend Justin Lanham (who played a monster in last month's "Frankendiner") texted me the title, telling me I should make it a flick. I didn't tell him I'd thought of it previously, but knowing that his discovery of it made him contact me... I knew it had "legs" and I could use it at some point. Lost Trailer Park was a perfect opportunity.

"Zombees" was a very fracture production. We shot my brother and Bob Creager (the scientist)'s bits on a Saturday. I taped my sister and brother-in-law on a weeknight (that's their adorable son, Oliver, my godson, as the desperate toddler). Finally, I shot some inserts and the footage of Ann Evans early one Friday morning.

The primitive (to say the least) bee animations were done in Photoshop and Final Cut. I made layers of the bee body and arms... then, greened around them and keyed them out in Final Cut.

Perhaps it would be easier to learn After Effects better... but I think that would take away some of the charm.... or maybe I'm just full of it.

Gardener... Ann Evans
Scientist... Bob Creager
Hero... Mike LaMartina
Husband... Andy Korch
Wife... Brooke Korch
Toddler... Oliver Korch

Written, Directed, and Edited by Chris LaMartina
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Life is indeed sweet and sour.

After successfully raising $13K for our new feature film, "Witch's Brew", I've been laid-off from my job. But, luckily for you... this means even more time to dedicate to the strange phenomenon known as Lost Trailer Park.

Because no matter how bad things get... we will always have the midnight movie festivals that celebrate monsters, weirdos and other things that make us whole.

So here it is... June's installment...


For me, diners = creepy... and there hasn't ever been a truly great diner-horror flick. You could argue "Blood Diner", but with the exception of a few inspired scenes, it doesn't make cut (hardy har har).

Plus, once I realized Frankenstein rhymed with Frankendine... man, it just made sense... or atleast it did after a few beers.

Style wise... I wanted it to work within the pulpy diner framework... therefore, giving it a 60s shitty colored vibe. My main inspirations were "Corpse Grinders", "Undertaker & his Pals", and ofcourse Al Adamson movies (thus, the University's namesake).

Most of the trailer was shot in a few hours at the Hollywood Diner in downtown Baltimore. We did some pick-ups in Towson and I grabbed a random diner exterior because it had an older-looking sign that would transition to the main title.

The illustrious Shawn C. Phillips hams it up as "Fritz", a demented/drooling rendition of Dwight Frye's classic role. Other actors include my good friend, Aj Hyde (star of "Book of Lore" and "Grave Mistakes") who pulls off an intense blast of camp with Victor.

Also, filmmaker Mark Colegrove (and his wife, Fiona) turn in great moments as tormented patrons. Mark directed the film, "Isle of the Damned" and if you're into the faux grindhouse stuff... you should definitely pick up a copy...


Victor... Aj Hyde
Professor... Jon Gonzales
Fritz... Shawn C. Phillips
Male Patron... Mark Colegrove
Female Patron... Fiona Crowley Colegrove
Patron #2... Larry Jackson
Eye Monster... Justin Lanham

Written, directed, and edited by Chris LaMartina
Special Effects by Kaleigh Brown
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Saturday, May 1, 2010

PSYCHO De MAYO (aka Gringos Muertos)

Greetings fellow cinefiles and vidiots,

Chris LaMartina here for your May installment of Lost Trailer Park: Never Coming Attractions. Y'know, I didn't start this out thinking that every trailer would be a holiday horror flick, but when the title, "Psycho de Mayo" came to me... I thought I'd better embrace it before someone else does. (Don't worry the holiday horror spoofs will stop next month... you'll see).

But anyway, for May... we have "Psycho de Mayo"... a goofy slasher spoof that I imagined in a different time (perhaps the mid-to-late seventies) would have been released in Mexico as "Gringos Muertos".

There's no sync dialogue in the spot because I figured the movie as a "foreign" production and I bet any American ads would strongly disguise accents or poor dubbing. I even dubbed the screams intentionally poorly... I swear!

The trailer style is pretty "generic slasher", but I definitely watched a tv spot for "Mardi Gras Massacre" a few times before I wrote the script.

The party footage was shot at my 25th birthday bash. My girlfriend got me a pinata without even knowing I'd planned to set-dress our apartment for a Cinco de Mayo fiesta. So, it was perfect that we could get those pinata-bashing shots in the early set-ups.

A friend of mine worked at a prop warehouse and let me get my hands on the huge sombrero, poncho, and gigantic cactus. It really makes for a fun killer costume and, to my knowledge, no other slasher has had a villain like ours. So, I'm pretty happy overall with the finished product.

The "story" scenes were shot in about an hour or so.

And by the way, since you're reading this... let me take a minute to tell you about my next feature film, "Witch's Brew"... its a gory horror comedy about cursed beer. We're currently raising the budget through donations over at if you can, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate...

Maraca to the face... Patrick Matanle
Cactus Girl... Randi Williams
Killer... Corey Schuler
Partygoers... the Chris LaMartina Birthday Allstars

Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer
Written, Directed, Edited, and Scored by Chris LaMartina

Thanks and see y'all in June. Donate to "Witch's Brew" or ELSE!

Thursday, April 1, 2010


Greetings, friends!

Just in time for Easter, comes "Shriek of the Easter Beast", my loving faux trailer-tribute to obscure holiday horror movies and small town monster flicks.

I always wanted to make an Easter horror film and this finally gave me a chance. The Easter holiday, despite the gruesome premise (dude gets nailed to cross, then returns from the dead), doesn't have many (if any) horror flicks dedicated to it. "Critters 2" comes to mind (and its one I watch every Easter), but besides that, you'd be hard-pressed to find a more perfect Easter-exploitation movie.

The title is obviously a riff on Michael Findlay's bigfoot joint, "Shriek of the Mutilated" and I think our Easter Beast looks just as menacing as the white-furred Sasquatch of that flick. Fans of bad movies, I'm winking at you.

Most of the trailer was shot early on a Sunday. The inserts of the kids were shot at my godson's first birthday party (!). I set up a fake "easter egg hunt" while they ate lunch and grabbed some quick angles while they searched. My niece, Harper is the little girl watching the magic show. This isn't her first role, though. She plays one of the babies that's kidnapped in my flick, "Book of Lore", coming out this May from Pop Cinema. Buy it here! -

The stop motion was shot and edited in about two hours (as if you couldn't tell, ;p... ). Didn't want to get too complicated. I'm no Dave Allen, but I think it works in context. Jimmy George told me it looks like the Yeti from those Rankin-Bass movies. I'll take that as a compliment...

Hero... Ryan Thomas
Sheriff... George Stover
Magician... Matthew Bowerman
Little Girl... Harper Korch
Carrot Death... Corey Schuler

Written, directed, edited, and scored by Chris LaMartina
Voice-Over by Andrew Shearer

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Let the cinemadness begin...

So what is "Lost Trailer Park: Never Coming Attractions"?

It's a pet project of a mine. Once a month, I'll be producing a trailer (movie preview) for a non-existent feature-length movie... mostly campy tongue-in-cheek horror flicks, but not always. If it falls into the category of exploitation or grind house flicks, then it's definitely fair game.

The trailers are just that. Exercises in short form content. I'll take the best parts of a proposed feature and cram it into a 2 minute block (more or less). I don't have any intentions of elaborating on most of these titles, so... you're getting the best parts minus any superfluous bullshit. Cuz we all know when it comes to movies like these... the trailers are very often are the best part.

First installment is on April 1st. Just in time for Easter...